GREENVILLE, SC—After 36 hours on the run through the woodlands of South Carolina, a bloodied and exhausted Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) reportedly cowered behind the trunk of a willow tree Wednesday as President Donald Trump’s vicious hunting dogs closed in on him. I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel.BETHESDA, MD—Saying such activities overwhelmingly accounted for calories burned in the U. presidents have gone to great lengths to avoid potential conflicts of interest. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here. I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore.WASHINGTON—Dismissing concerns that the controversial interrogation method constituted torture, President Donald Trump told reporters Thursday that waterboarding does not even come close to the excruciating torment he himself experiences at every waking moment.
THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Oblivious to the unforgiving judgments being passed on him every single day, local 2-year-old Caleb Gibson is completely unaware that he is the sole basis for six couples’ decisions not to have kids, sources said Friday.
SCHENECTADY, NY—Repeatedly seeking to ease his friends’ growing skepticism and disinterest, local man Joel Mayhew peppered his explanation of the rules of the board game Pandemic with reassurances that it will be fun, sources confirmed Friday.
How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward than that. Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends.
I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you.
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If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you.